Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
