It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
