She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
