Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
