Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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