I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
