I cockslap morals
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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