If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
