I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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