I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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