Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
