Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I am spending my child support on dildos
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Randomize
