I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
