She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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