Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I pour the whiskey from now on
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
