i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize