I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
PANTIES FOUND
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