i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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