Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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