let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
