and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
