I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Randomize
