How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
