Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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