i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
