If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
