I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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