when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
