I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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