I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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