Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
