can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
