I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
