you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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