Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize