just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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