oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
