I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
