Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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