I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
