Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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