i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
