I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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