I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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