You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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