I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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