he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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