hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
