If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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