He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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