My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
