I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
