i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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