when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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