Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
