I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
