someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
