I could make wine with my vomit
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
