Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
